Coherence and Cohesion
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Cambridge 8 Test 2
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?
Nowadays the way people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
Yes, the technology has changed the peoples interaction in very enhanced manner. Earlier people use to wait and try to find easy way to contact their friends or relatives leaving far. In past there was no quick technology to contact or to establish any communication between one person to another person. The drawback with past communication systems was that it were very slow and were time taking process such as telegrams, letter etc. People used to afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their love ones due to insecure medium of communication. When it comes to professional level, the privacy and accuracy should be maintain but, to that time there were no secure communications.
Now the things have changed around, people from far distance contact their loves one in an easy and quick ways which improves the interaction level between two person. Quality the level of the interaction between people to people, has improved because the people are equipped with high-tec technology which enhances the communication. There are many many medium which are available now such as internet, called cards etc.
The technology has provided the mobility faster which help people to talk or to interact at any time anywhere in the world.
People can contact their friend or relatives any time they want. It has become so easier and feriendly to be in touch with your feriends, relatives even with the unknown people.
This is an answer written by a candidate who achieved a Band 5.5 score. Here is the examiners comment:
这是一位考生写的5.5分作文。 The topic introduction has been copied from the task and is deducted from the word count. This leaves the answer underlength at 236 words, so the candidate loses marks for this.
This answer addresses both questions, but the first is not well covered in terms of how actual relationships have changed. Nevertheless, there is a clear opinion that the effects have been positive and relationships have improved, with some relevant ideas to support this. There is a general progression to the argument, with some effective use of time markers and linkers. There is also some repetition, however. Paragraphing is not always logical, and ideas are not always well linked. A range of vocabulary that is relevant to the topic is used, including some precise and natural expressions. There are quite a lot of mistakes in word form, word choice or spelling, but these do not usually reduce understanding. A variety of sentence type is used, but not always accurately. Errors in grammar and punctuation are distracting at times, but only rarely cause problems for the reader.
Nowadays,.(It is true that technology has shifted peoples communicative ways. 利用It is true that的句式突出后面的事件;Change和shift是同义词替换;the way people interact和communicative way是同义词替换。这样的变化可以避免引用题目中的原词。)
(拒绝非正式的用法。)The technology has changed the peoples interaction in very enhanced manner. Earlier people used(前后时态必须一致。)to wait and try to find easy ways(名词单复数)to contact their friends or relatives leaving far. In the past, there was no (词汇使用不当，应该改成effective)technology to contact others or to establish any communication between two people. And(重要的连接词，表示本句和上一句共同解释为什么人们一直在期待找到更有效的通讯方式。)the drawback ofthe past communication systems was that they (指代不清，这里指代的是communication systems)were too (表示太。)slow and were time-consuming (表示费时), including (这是应该使用分词形式，表示对主句的communication ways的具体描述。)the telegrams, the letter etc. Not only that,(这里需要连接词)people used to be afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their loved ones because of (because of 强调外因due to 强调根据)information security (根据上下文理解，此处应该表达的是信息安全)of communication. (They worried their letters might be stolen or read by some strangers.这里可以继续描述人们的担心。)
However，(上文主要讨论过去的情况，而接下来将讨论现在的变化)now the things have changed around.(必须避免使用，连接两个句子。正确的处理方法是，要么采用断句的方法，要么添加连词。)People in a long distance contact their lovesd one in (effective and efficient) ways, which improve(主谓一致，which代替ways。)the interaction level between two persons. Quality (用词重复)of the interaction between people and people(主谓之间不能添加，。)has been improved(这里使用被动是因为沟通质量的提升是因为技术的发展。)because they are equipped with high-techdevices which enhances their communication. There are many(重复)mediummediaavailable such as internet, called cards etc.So the technology has provided better mobility , which help people to talk or keep in touch with each other at any time anywhere in the world.(不应该单独成段，应该和上一段结合在一起。)(本句应该被删除，因为没有提出任何新的观点，并且与上文的句子非常重复。)